The Hell That I Am
by xgossamerstars
Summary: I'm in hell now, Kakashi. Hell is watching you smile, seeing how beautiful it is when you do, and not knowing if you mean it. Hell is hearing you say these things about yourself and not knowing why you say them. KakaIru.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue.**

**A/N: Want to know something sad? The following conversation actually took place...between me and one of my best friends.**

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Hatake Kakashi sat on the floor of the apartment, alone, staring listlessly into the darkness around him. His back rested against the wall, and the shadows above his head matched the shadow that he wore across his pale face. Slowly, he tilted his head back to stare up into this darkness. Once again, it was three thirty in the morning, and here he was awake and alone...wrestling demons, trying to force skeletons back into closets. It was a nightly ritual with Kakashi. He fell wherever he fell, and slept like one dead until three, when a dream would wake him--never the same dream twice--a dream that turned into a nightmare of all his failures, of all his shortcomings, from the face of his father to the death of Obito to the desertion of Sasuke. He came here, out into the dark hall, to fight them alone. 

Unbeknownst to Kakashi, this night, he was not alone.

From beneath a small coverlet that he couldn't remember pulling over himself, Umino Iruka watched Kakashi intently from the couch a few yards away. He had spent nearly as many sleepless nights as Kakashi, waking when the copy-nin left their bed, or watching him from the couch on nights like tonight—nights when he had stayed up far later than Kakashi, grading Academy papers. No, no matter what he thought, Hatake Kakashi was not alone.

Tonight was the first night that Kakashi had been able to feel the gaze burning into him, and the longer Iruka looked, the more intently Kakashi began to feel his eyes upon him. The stir of movement from the cover that he had placed over the sleeping chuunin's body had been enough to alert him to the fact that Iruka was indeed awake. A strange uneasiness overtook Kakashi; he wanted Iruka to fall back asleep, to forget ever seeing him like this, and at the same time, he wanted the chuunin's company.

Kakashi had not long to wait. Tonight, the look in Kakashi's eyes was simply to heavy a burden to let him bear alone. With chillbumps creeping across his bare arms and legs, Iruka wrapped himself in the blanket and slipped quietly to Kakashi's side.

"What's the matter, Kakashi?" he asked gently, hugging his knees to his chest.

"Nothing," the jounin mumbled, a little too quickly. "I can't sleep, that's all."

He started a little when he felt Iruka's smaller, warmer hand slip into his. "Something is wrong, Kakashi," he insisted quietly, "And you won't tell me what it is, will you?"

He shook his head slowly and wouldn't look at him; why answer a question that Iruka had already answered for himself? He felt the chuunin's hand slip from his and to Kakashi's arm, which he held in that delicate, pleading grip he had used so many times before.

"It hurts you," Iruka accused, his voice quivering, "Don't try and say that it doesn't."

"I won't lie," Kakashi muttered.

"Why won't you just talk to me?" Iruka asked, tears welling in his dark eyes. "It hurts me that you're hurting and won't tell me why. I don't want to see you suffer anymore after everything you've been through, Kakashi. I'd do anything to help you, and you won't let me..."

"There is no help for the damned," the older man remarked bitterly, and stood up. He was about to walk away, to disappear into their bedroom, when Iruka clutched his hand again, pulling himself up to face him.

"Not if they won't let themselves be helped," Iruka told him, as tears fell unnoticed from his eyes. "Not if they push away every single person that ever tries to love them."

"You don't know everything I am," Kakashi said sharply, narrowing his one visible eye and managing to look disgusted. "You don't know the anger—the hatred—I live with it, you've never seen me relieve it, and I will not make you my first target, Iruka!"

"Then tell me about it!" Iruka cried, cutting him off. It was as if he had issued a dare. "Tell me about it, tell me every single black thought that has crossed your mind! Show me if you have to—go ahead! Throw me down and tell me to leave you the hell alone! Target me, Kakashi," Iruka took a step toward him, opening his palms to show that he would not put up a fight should Kakashi choose to obey. "I'll still love you. I'll still care," Iruka finished, laying his hand on Kakashi's arm once more.

"You don't know what you're saying," Kakashi jerked his arm away. "I'll hurt you, Iruka. I will. I'm not putting you through the hell that I am, not for one minute!"

Iruka could only smile bitterly. "I'm in hell now, Kakashi. Hell is watching you smile, seeing how beautiful it is when you do, and not knowing if you mean it. Hell is hearing you say these things about yourself and not knowing why you say them. Hell is not understanding you and knowing that the only reason I can't is because _you won't let me_."

Kakashi remained silent for a moment, turning to look at Iruka with a dark, pleading eye. Iruka was now trembling to his very fingertips, his blanket forgotten on the floor. He met Kakashi's gaze evenly through his tears. His chest rose and fell quickly. Kakashi watched it; he watched the dolphin panting, crying, he took in the look of complete anguish that dominated Iruka's usually smiling features, and he felt something inside of him shatter.

"My heart is breaking," Kakashi murmured softly, "And this is the first time I get to watch it."

"Let me in and maybe it won't," Iruka retorted, and then began to sob.

Instinctively, Kakashi went to put his arms around him, but hesitated. He had caused all this, he had no right to try to comfort Iruka's pain. "I feel so bad," he mumbled, more to himself that to Iruka. He knew the words were inadequate, but what good had he ever been with words?

"_You_ feel bad?" Iruka turned on Kakashi, his voice violent and slurred by tears. "I'm choking on my own bloody tears, and _you_ feel bad?"

"Iruka, I do," he replied earnestly. "I feel awful, terrible. I don't deserve to be your friend...I don't deserve to be your anything," Kakashi finished weakly, and turned his back on the chuunin.

Iruka began to cry harder. "Don't start that again! It's not true."

"It is. I'm not a good person, Iruka. You'd be better off without me," he replied quietly, and turned toward the front door. "I won't be the reason for any more of your sadness than I have to be, Iruka."

"You're...no...Kakashi, don't, don't leave me!" Iruka's trembling turning to violent shaking as he took a step after the copy-nin, but nothing met his outreached hand except a wisp of smoke.

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**A/N: I'm usually not a big fan of uke!Iruka, but I couldn't find a way to put him in Kakashi's place for this fic. Please, no on be too disgusted with me because of it! It just had to be Kakashi in the self-loathing role. Reviews of any sort are welcome, but constructive criticism will be rewarded with cookies.**


	2. Chapter 2

**That's right. I'm back. Sort of, anyway.  
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, I do own the plot.  
A/N: Sorry this chapter is so short. It just happened that way, but the new one should be out soon.**

**xXx**

Iruka's eyes twitched open as the first rays of light fell over his swollen lids. As he rolled over to squint at the alarm clock on the nightstand, he realized that he had slept for a full two hours--a new record.

Since the night three weeks ago when Kakashi had deemed himself too horrible of a person to be with Iruka, the chuunin had barely been sleeping. The hours he spent not sleeping he spent crying. It had been all he could do to keep himself together in the presence of his classes, and one very small child had even asked why his test paper looked as if water had been dripped all over it. After that question, Iruka had to excuse himself to the bathroom to cry some more.

Iruka grudgingly shifted himself out of bed. It was Friday, the last day of classes for the week, which meant he had the whole weekend to be alone. All he wanted these days was to be alone. He was sick of the looks his fellow shinobi cast him when they thought he wasn't looking; those looks of pity that made him want to die on the spot. Sighing, he wandered into the bathroom to shower, where his tears would mix with the water as he was forced to recall the sweet memories he and Kakashi had created in that shower.

_Damn you, Kakashi, _he thought angrily, practically slapping the tears off his dark face. _It's so sickening that you can do this to me when I haven't laid eyes on you for three fucking weeks..._

He was just about to climb into the steamy shower stall when he saw a small brown slug creeping along the showerhead.

"Shit," he said out loud, gazing in disgust at the slimy trail Tsunade's summons was leaving on his showerhead. It was a summons, and the last thing he felt like doing this morning was going to see the Hokage.

"C'mere, you nasty little bugger," he mumbled, holding out his finger. The slug inched over his fingernail, and Iruka shuddered at the cold feeling of slime on his skin. "I'm assuming your mistress got someone to cover my classes?"

What passed for the slug's head made a bobbing motion, and with a puff of smoke, it disappeared.

Iruka nearly punched the glass shower stall. Puffs of smoke were synonymous with Kakashi leaving, and he felt the tears burning behind his eyes again.

_When does it end?_he thought bitterly, as he grabbed the nearest hair tie on the counter. He jerked it back into a tight horsetail, relishing the sharp pain in his scalp. At least that kind of pain was physical. He threw on his uniform from last night and made the seals to teleport--when the Hokage sent a summons, one didn't hesitate, not even to bathe.

He appeared outside her office door and bowed to the two guards. "I received a summons from Godaime. Will she see me?"

The guard took in Iruka's swollen eyes with the dark purple streaks beneath, his wrinkled uniform and tangled, slightly greasy ponytail. At length, he responded, "She will," and opened the door. Iruka walked in, counting that as the first the unwelcome looks of pity he would receive that day.

Tsunade's arms were crossed across her ample bosom as she paced the floor of her office. The smell of sake was thick in the air and her desk was crushed to splinters. Thought Iruka was irritated at being summoned so early in the morning, he decided that today would definitely not be a good day to complain the the Hokage. She looked to be in rare form.

"You sent for me, Godaime?" he mumbled, in the monotone voice that had become the norm for him since Kakashi left.

"Yes, Iruka, yes," she sighed. "Have you seen Hatake lately?"

_Ye gods, it even hurts to hear the name._"No, Godaime. Not since three weeks ago."

"SHIT!""

Tsunade made the mistake of punching the wall, and the entire thing nearly disentigrated. Iruka winced and shrunk back as a chunk of plaster flew by his temple.

"Shit again," she whispered, clutching her nose between her thumb and forefinger. The hackles rose on Iruka's neck. Something was wrong.

"What's going on, Godaime? Has Kaka...Hatake not been reporting for duty?"

"Oh, he reported for a stupid B class mission two weeks ago. It was nothing but scroll retrieval, and the scroll wasn't even all that important...or so I thought. I gave him the B class and told him I'd see him later." she said, still pacing.

"Has he..." Iruka swallowed hard. "Has he not returned?"

"Oh, he returned. You weren't at the missions desk when he came back, but Raidou was in there...said Hatake was covered in blood. Threw the report at the chuunin at the desk and teleported and hasn't been seen since. That was about...four days ago."

"What did the missions report say?! Surely that would explain something?" Iruka exclaimed.

"You know Hatake. Amidst his bloody fingerprints all it said was, 'Mission fucking accomplished.' Iruka, I know you two had a fight--"

Iruka winced, and was about to say something when Tsunade held up her hand.

"Nevertheless, I need to you to find him for me. He's in Konoha somewhere, but we haven't been able to find him. Sometimes I think that motherfucker is a better ninja than I am...my summons can't find him, the jounin can't find him, there's no trace of his chakra anywhere, but there have been no reports of him outside of Konoha. We've asked. So unless he's gone missing-nin on us and joined forces with Orochimaru--"

"He would never!" Iruka said, horrified that Tsunade would even consider it.

"Let me finish. We all know he wouldn't. So that leaves the suspicion that he is some-fucking-where in Konoha, even though no one can find him. So, Umino, the duty falls to you." she finally stopped pacing and turned to look him in the eye. "You have to find him, Iruka. He's Konoha's best shinobi. From what Raidou said, he was...he was about to break. Did you ever see Hatake break?"

Iruka shook his head. He didn't know that shinobi like Kakashi **ever** broke.

"I haven't either. It's been years since he last did it and I wasn't around then...but my point is, your mission is to find him. Your classes will be covered for you until you do."

"I'll do my best, Godaime...but he...he won't want to see me." said Iruka. He dug his teeth into the meat of his lower lip. He would **not **cry in front of his Hokage.

"Are you kidding, Iruka?" Tsunade actually laughed. "Right before he left, he told me the first thing he was going to do when he got home was find you and--"

Iruka teleported before Tsunade could finish her sentence.

**xXx**

**A/N: Does that make any of you feel better? Of course, it isn't complete. Remember, reviews encourage hasty updates!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Naruto.  
**A/N**: Yeah, I finally updated! Sorry, I've been on DeviantArt a lot lately.

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Iruka barely gave a thought to the chakra he was focusing in his feet and legs as he raced over the rooftops. His mind was too full, it was moving too quickly for him to even spare a thought for what he was doing. He leaped onto his windowsill and slipped inside as quietly and efficiently as any ANBU, landing on the floor of the bedroom that had belonged to him and Kakashi until about three weeks ago.

"Where's the textbook, where's the textbook, where's the _fucking _textbook..." Iruka tore through the house until he reached the kitchen table where he had been grading papers last night. He grabbed the strap of his bag, the one he carried all his teaching materials in--test papers and red pens went flying. Iruka paid no attention. He dug around inside and pulled out a rather large volume entitled, Introduction to the Shinobi: The Basics of Ninja Life.

"Chapter two, section six, page...eighty seven!" Iruka ran his finger down the paragraphs, trying to find the words he needed.

_"When one is not able to find a shinobi, there may be three possible reasons," _he mumbled, _"Reason #1: The shinobi may be dead. Do not, under any circumstances, assume this. Always assume Reason #2: The shinobi is hiding his chakra signature (see chapter 14 for more information). Reason #3 applies more to comrade shinobi than to enemy nin. In some cases, one may not be able to find a comrade because the shinobi may be so badly hurt that his or her chakra signature is no longer registering. _That's IT!"

Iruka tossed the book to the side and began to pace, his mind working quickly. "That's it, Raidou said he was covered in blood, that he was about to break, so where would Kakashi go to break...Tsunade said it had been years since it last happened, we've been dating for a year and we were really good friends for about three, so that's four years ago, it must have been when he was still in ANBU or right after he got out...who was he friends with then...damn it, who could it have been...?"

Kakashi had always been loathe to discuss his past with Iruka, no matter how intoxicated or how depressed he was. There were days when the jounin wouldn't speak at all, there were days when he sat at the dinner table and cried silently without giving Iruka the slightest hint as to why. There had been fights and arguments and Iruka had even walked out one night after accusing Kakashi of not trusting him--it may have been the only time he had seen Kakashi cry and actually known the reason why. Of course, Genma had brought him back to Kakashi about five hours later and Kakashi had held his hair back when he threw up all the vodka he had drunk...and they had never had that conversation again...

Iruka found himself crying and wiped the tears off his face with angry hands. "Damn it, if he had only talked to me more...I might know at least where to begin..."

Instead of lingering on the past, Iruka tried to remember what little Kakashi had told him about ANBU days. Kakashi had sworn not to mention names, and was still under oath to refer to his past comrades as Dog, Fish, Cat, Deer...none of which helped Iruka at all.

"Well, that's all I have to go on, so..." Iruka hopped back onto the windowsill, not bothering to clean up the mess in the kitchen, and took to the rooftops.

A little while later, Iruka found himself at the ANBU compound, knocking on the front door of the front office. A tiny, dark haired woman answered, wearing a dark kimono.

"Good morning," she said quietly, and bowed low. "May I ask your name?"

"Umino Iruka," he answered.

She led him to the front desk, where a man Iruka had never seen before was sitting. His face was so lined and dark that he looked even older than Sarutobi had.

"Who do we have here, Tachiana?" the man asked. His voice was deep and strong, belying the lines of his face.

"Umino Iruka, Rida-san," Tachiana replied in her delicated voice. Iruka bowed when he was introduced. When he rose, the little woman had disappeared.

"What business do you have here today, Umino-san? Do you wish to join the ANBU?"

"Oh no, Rida-san," Iruka replied, "I've been given a mission, and in order to go about it properly, I believe I may need your help--or perhaps the help of an ANBU soldier."

"Ah," Rida nodded. "And...what level shinobi are you?"

Iruka inwardly rolled his eyes. "I am a chuunin, sir. I teach at the Academy."

"And what would you need an ANBU solider for, if you are on a chuunin-level mission?"

"Rida-san, do you know of a man named Hatake Kakashi?" Iruka asked with a sigh.

Rida's eyes widened a fraction of an inch. "Yes, I do, in fact. Does your mission concern him?"

"Yes, Rida-san," Iruka replied. "He went on a B-class mission a few weeks ago. He returned four days ago, covered in blood and on the verge of breaking. No one has seen him since then, and our Hokage-sama has charged me with finding him. No one else has had any luck, and I believe the reason why is because his chakra signature is too weak to register. He hasn't broken since he was in the ANBU, and I need any information that it is possible for me to attain on what happens to him and where he goes when he breaks. If I could speak to a solider who was on his team, perhaps--"

"That would be out of the question, Umino-san, and I am not being rude when I say that," Rida seemed genuinely concerned now, leaning forward in his seat to speak to Iruka. "You see, all of Hatake-san's former ANBU teammates are dead."

_Add that to the list of things he never told me about himself, _Iruka thought.

"I understand, Rida-san. Is there any information that would be helpful to my search?"

Rida thought for a moment, chewing on his lower lip, before calling Tachiana.

"Yes, Rida-san?" she appeared silently beside Iruka, shuffling her tiny feet.

"Find Hatake Kakashi's ANBU record, and bring it to me," he ordered, and turned back to Iruka. "I'm afraid I cannot let you read it, Umino-san. I will give you the information that partains to your search, but I'm afraid that is all I can do. The records of ANBU soldiers are top secret."

"Again, I understand, Rida-san. Thank you so much for your help."

Tachiana reappeared with what looked to be a black leather notebook. She handed it to Rida, then once again slipped away. Iruka wondered if she herself was an ANBU--she moved so quickly and silently.

"Let's see...here you go, Umino. This page records all the details of Hatake-san's breaks--there is no other information, not even his code name," Rida explained, handing Iruka the sheet of typed paper. Records were one of the few things that white paper was used for in Konoha--everything was on scrolls. "Please stay here and read it, and try to memorize. I can't let you leave with that sheet."

"Yes, Rida-san," Iruka bowed again, then began reading:

**'Hatake Kakashi, age 18 at induction. Duration of ANBU service: Life.'**

_...he's still in. He's still in ANBU, and he never told me, I thought he got out..._

**'These are the details of Hatake's breaking, recorded in order to protect Hatake from himself. He has broken precisely three times since he joined ANBU, with the last break being recorded at age 22. Details on the mission preceding these breaks can be read on page 24 of this file. Hatake's breaking process goes as follows:**

**'1) Typically returns from missions in a state of silence with either a blank mission report or one reading 'Mission Accomplished.'**

**2) Tends to disappear and has only been found two of the three times; once at the residence of a significant other (age 20) and once at his own residence (age 18, first break). Reappeared from his last break (age 22) in about a week, would not give details.**

**Former significant other's statement:**

** "Kakashi came to me covered in blood. He smelled horrible but he refused to shower or even take his clothes off, even though I'm pretty sure he was hurt very badly. Sat in a corner and cried for days, without stopping. He wouldn't eat if I sat and watched him, but if I left food and left him alone he'd eat it. Same with water--I brought him water because I thought he'd get dehydrated, considering how much he was crying. If I stayed in the room too long he'd sic one of his dogs on me--Pakkun usually, Pakkun sat in his lap the whole time and I had to bring the dog food too. It sort of annoyed me, because Pakkun hates me, but I did it for Kakashi. The worst day was the day before he snapped out of it, when he tried to kill himself, and I had nothing to do with stopping him, it was all Pakkun. I came home to find the dog standing guard over a huge pile of sharp stuff, including all my weapons. Kakashi's throat was slit across the front but it was awfully shallow, I think he must have tried to behead himself and that Pakkun intervened. Kakashi was standing in front of the dog with fresh blood on one of his arms. I think Pakkun bit him. It was the last time I saw Kakashi anyway...I couldn't take it anymore, once he was well I ended it."**

**Note: Significant other dragged Hatake to hospital after witnessing Pakkun standing over a pile of weaponry. Ended the relationship a week later, when Hatake came back to himself.'**

_I'm going to hunt down this ex of his and rip his throat out, _Iruka decided, as he moved down to the second paragraph.

**'Statement of the person who found Hatake at his residence:**

** "I found Hatake sitting in a corner glaring daggers at Pakkun across the room. The dog was standing guard over a huge pile of weapons. Some of them looked really old and I don't know where they came from. Hatake smelled horrible, like he hadn't even taken off his uniform since he got back from the mission and he'd returned a week earlier. He was still covered in dried blood and when he stood up he wasn't just limping, he was hopping on one foot. Most of what he said made no sense at all and his throat was cut a little--like he'd tried to behead himself. It was deep, but not deep enough to be fatal, obviously. I think the dog must have stopped him. He wasn't wearing his mask--his usual one or his ANBU one. He didn't realize who I was either. I'm not sure he knew exactly who he was, honestly. I had to drag him to the hospital. Literally. His chakra was too weak to fend me off, so I picked him up and carried him. The cut on his throat wasn't as bad as it looked, I think it was just infected, but his leg was broken in two places and he had some kind of poisoning that was attacking his immune system, he got pneumonia shortly after I took him to the hospital..."**

**Note: Took severe chakra therapy and chakra transfer jutsus for Hatake to recover--his immune system remains weaker than that of most nin to this day, but his extraordinary skills are believed to make up for it.'**

_There's so much he hasn't told me..._

**'3) As mentioned above, Hatake tends to become mildly catatonic for a few days. He may or may not cry continually, but he will not bathe, will not change clothes, and will not eat or drink in front of others. He likes to have one of his summons dogs with him, preferably Pakkun.**

**4) After a few days of the above, Hatake will try to kill himself. Pakkun usually intervenes--it is unknown exactly what happened during the time no one was able to find him. We assume Pakkun guarded him until he came back to himself.**

**5) Hatake will only go to the hospital if someone takes him, or after he recovers on his own, no matter what his injuries.**

**6) Hatake either honestly does not remember what happens to him during his breaks, or pretends not to remember. It is best to not mention anything about a break after it is over.'**

Iruka read this through twice more, in order to remember the most pertinent details, before handing the paper back to Rida.

"Thank you so much, Rida-san," Iruka bowed low. "This should help me immensely in my mission."

"I certainly hope so, Umino-san. Hatake is one of the best shinobi Konohagakure has ever produced," Rida replied.

"He's one of the best men I know," Iruka sighed. "Goodbye, Rida-san."

"Goodbye, Umino-san, and good luck."

Iruka bowed once more and left the compound, jumping up to the rooftops as soon as the door closed behind him. According to the details of the breaking report, Kakashi was in one of two places: Iruka's apartment, or his apartment.

Unfortunately, Kakashi hadn't had his own apartment for about six months now, and he obviously wasn't at Iruka's. When he left, Kakashi had mostly slept on Gai's couch--Anko had supplied Iruka with this information.

That left only one place Kakashi could be--his father's house, on the other side of town. The neighborhood that the house was located in had been abandoned for years, and Iruka wasn't certain he could find it without a map. He decided to drop back in to his own place to pick one up.

He made a turn and dropped back on to his windowsill, but what he saw sitting on his bed nearly made him fall the three stories to the ground.

Pakkun. Pakkun, and all the rest of Kakashi's summons pack lay in various places around the bedroom, staring at Iruka with their heavy puppy dog eyes.

Pakkun lowered his head and spoke to Iruka.

"He banished us," the dog said quietly. "Banished all of us, told us to go home...and since he still associates this place with home in his mind, so do we. We can't leave this room now."

"Is he at his father's house?" Iruka felt his legs tense up for the spring.

"Yes," Pakkun replied, and Iruka leaped back to the rooftops.

Fuck the map. Iruka would follow his heart.


	4. Chapter 4

The morning was waning fast. The sun grew brighter and stronger, and Iruka's forehead dripped in a sweat that had nothing to do with the heat.

Panic consumed his mind, gnawed at him until he felt he would go insane with it. He had never run so fast before; he was pumping all his chakra into his feet and legs and still he felt that he would be too late. Somewhere in this old, abandoned section of town (it had once housed the jounin with families before the days of apartment complexes) stood the late White Fang's house; in that house stood Kakashi—possibly with a kunai at his throat already—and Iruka had no idea where that house might be.

_Focus, Iruka,_ he growled to himself as he hit the roof of the first run-down house. _You won't do Kakashi any good by panicking._

He paused for a moment to try to gather his wind and his bearings. Crouching, he splayed his fingers over the loose shingles for balance and willed himself to concentrate.

Kakashi had no chakra signature, Iruka knew that for certain. What he didn't know was how he was supposed to go about finding the injured jounin if his chakra wasn't registering.

He scanned the ground below, and saw no sign of bloodstains; Kakashi was supposed to be covered in blood.

"That jibes with what the Hokage said, then," Iruka was thinking out loud; the sound of his own voice in the stillness kept the panic at bay. Tsunade had told him that after turning in his blood-splotched mission report, Kakashi had teleported, an action which had likely taken the very last of his chakra.

"If I can't see the blood…" the chuunin muttered, closing his eyes tightly, "Maybe I can smell it."

Iruka took his chakra focus away from his feet and legs, redirecting it toward his senses. His hearing sharpened; his closed eyes rolled in their sockets; the tar paper under his fingers suddenly felt painfully abrasive; the spit in his mouth grew metallic and sour; his nose was assaulted by the smell of dust and rot…and the very faint smell of blood.

Iruka leaped down into the street, landing a little roughly. The house he landed in front of was labeled above the door in faded letters: Aomori.

Iruka swore loudly as he began to run in the direction of the smell. He was only in the A's—how long would it take him to make it to the H's?

All the dusty colors of the houses faded into one grey-brown blur as Iruka followed the coppery perfume of blood. Every now and then he would slow down just enough to check the lettering above the doors of the houses to make sure he was going in the right direction; he would hate to discover that he was actually only following the smell of a wounded animal.

The houses, already dilapidated and falling apart, grew steadily worse as Iruka ran on. The last house with a nameplate above it was Harada—and the lettering was in such bad shape that Iruka couldn't be certain that was even what it said.

_Harada…Harada…fuck._

Iruka ran into the first house after Harada, noted that the only thing he could smell was decay and bat piss, and promptly ducked out. He did the same in the next house, and the next, and nearly fell through a rotten place in the wooden porch of the next one.

_Please, let this be it, I'm running out of time…_

Iruka burst through the door of the next house, splintering the rotted wood into pieces. This time, instead of being assaulted by the smell of mildew and rot, he smelled blood—the stench was so thick he could nearly taste it.

It took all the shinobi training Iruka had ever received to control his mind as he forced himself to slow down and look carefully in each room of the house. There was no one on the bottom floor, but there were boot tracks in the dust; the left print was dragging a little, and there were tacky maroonish splotches surrounding the tracks. They led up a staircase that looked as if it had seen much, much better days.

Panic threatened to spill over the wall of control Iruka had built as he carefully tiptoed up the ancient staircase. The wood felt soft and weak beneath his careful tread, and he found himself wondering how Kakashi ever could have made it up without falling through.

There were only three rooms on the second floor. The doors to two of them were open, revealing a bathroom stripped of its toilet, tub, and sink and a large, empty room that must have been the master bedroom. The last door was closed, and the house was ominously silent.

_I'm too late,_ Iruka thought suddenly. The thought came so abruptly, so forcefully, that he all but knew it was true. He would walk in that room and find Kakashi sprawled on the floor, his throat hewn open in a gaping red wound with blood already clotting and drying around the ragged edges of the gash and his body would already be cold and stiff and the blood around his head would be congealed and sticky and Iruka would throw up, he wouldn't be able to help it, he'd throw up and then faint and then die himself…

Iruka's imagination was so in overdrive that when he finally did open the door, he actually saw the body—saw the sticky blood puddle, saw the open wound in Kakashi's throat, felt his gorge rising.

Then reality assaulted him and he saw Kakashi, standing with his back toward him, staring out the dirty, broken window. He was bringing his hand upward, his hand with the kunai clutched in the dirty, bloody fingers…

Iruka leaped, tackling the broken man in the legs without any thought for any injuries he might have. Iruka grabbed the arm that Kakashi had lifted upward and wrenched it behind the jounin's back, snatching the kunai and throwing it across the room where it clanked into a pile of similar weapons.

Kakashi lay stunned for a moment, his bare face pressed into the dusty old floor. He was so still that Iruka began to get off him, fearing that he had knocked him out—but when Iruka let up the pressure he was holding on the small of Kakashi's back, the man began to twist and buck and jerk like a trapped animal. He managed to turn over on his back, and Iruka felt his heart clench when he saw the jounin's face.

Kakashi's Sharingan eye was uncovered, bloodshot and weepy, the tomoe spinning madly as the eye rolled in its socket. The other was swollen shut, bruised and bluish with a clotted cut beneath the lower lid. His lips were split, his nose seemed to have shifted to one side and there was a rim of dried blood around his nostrils.

Kakashi actually snarled; it was a crazed, feral sound that sent chills down Iruka's spine.

_How can he ever recover from this…? He's completely insane…_

"Kakashi, can you hear me?" Iruka asked tentatively.  
Kakashi raised his hands and tried to claw at Iruka's face; Iruka caught both his wrists and pinned the jounin's arms to the floor, stretching his body out over Kakashi's to try and keep him from jackknifing around; but Kakashi's head lashed from side to side, his temples smacking into the floor with sickening thuds.

"Kakashi, please, if you can hear me, if you know who I am please stop! You're hurting yourself!"

The skin at Kakashi's temples split; bright, fresh blood blotted the floor and streaked into the jounin's dirty hair.

"Please, Kakashi," Iruka nearly sobbed, his fingers tightening around his lover's wrists, "It's me, it's Iruka, don't you remember? You have to remember!"

Kakashi showed no signs of remembering anything. He tossed his head harder, his one visible eye rolled back in his head and his body began to shudder and tremble beneath Iruka's own.

Iruka let go of Kakashi's wrists and took his head in his dark hands, holding it steady as he could. Instead of speaking, Iruka pressed his mouth against Kakashi's dry, split lips and prayed.

_Let him remember. Let him live. Let him be okay. Please, let this madness stop…_

Kakashi's body relaxed ever so slightly; his lips moved beneath Iruka's, but no sound came out.

"Try again, 'Kashi," Iruka whispered, "I'm right here."

Kakashi's voice was small and frightened when he spoke, but it was his voice nonetheless: "Who…who are you?"

Iruka felt relief flood him from head to toe. He rested his forehead against Kakashi's and answered, "It's me, 'Kashi. It's Iruka."

"Iruka…" Kakashi laid his head back against the floor, gently, and closed his Sharingan eye. "Take me home."

"As fast as I can, 'Kashi, I promise," Iruka said quietly. He slid his arms beneath Kakashi's body, carefully gathering him up for the trip back to the apartment. He began to channel his chakra toward his arms and legs. _The doctors are just going to have to come to him this time,_ he thought, _He asked to go home…and that's where I'll take him._


End file.
